Ask the Dating Coach

By Lea Friese-Haben

She Took Her Love to Town

Dear Lea,

I can’t believe that I am writing to you, as I am shocked to be in this situation. I am 39 years old, successful in business, married fourteen years with three beautiful children. My wife now says she wants to leave me for another man, who is also married. She went on a “girl trip” in April to San Diego and met someone there, and has been secretly carrying on ever since. I don’t know what to do. One minute, she says that it as just a fling and that it’s over, but yet she is still texting him. The next I know, she is cleaning out our checking account, maxing out our credit cards, and moves out while I am at work. My poor kids are a mess and are so confused. I love her and yet I am not sure that I can ever forgive her or trust her after all of this. Her parents and sisters are in shock and have fortunately sided with me. I am dumbfounded. What should I do?

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

I see this all the time with women who are about to turn 40. Most of the time it is not about you—it’s about her and what she feels she may be missing. She is feeling insecure about herself and is looking for validation outside herself as well as outside the marriage. I would do what you can to protect your finances and try to get her into counseling. Some marriages can be salvaged after infidelity, but honestly, the percentages are small, and it takes a lot of work to earn the trust back. Make sure that the children and you receive the necessary counseling. This is usually a phase and she will probably try to keep you as a safety net or try to come back once it is over. The other man involved probably won’t leave his wife, as it is rare that they ever do. She will want to come back after the relationship fails. It’s my personal and professional belief that if people stray once, they will probably stray again. My advice is to take care of yourself and your children and be very careful with your heart and your finances. Good luck, and keep me posted.

Lea

Don’t Dress Like a Cub

Dear Coach Lea,

I saw you on the news recently and you had given a woman a “Cougar Makeover.” My sister desperately needs your help. My niece and nephew are horrified with her wardrobe and her behavior. I read your columns and I hope that she will heed your advice as a professional, as nothing my mom and I have said has made a difference. She is dating a guy that is only five years older than her son. I wish I could have taped that newscast, as she is worse than the cougar you had on the show. I would love for her to meet a great guy, but she never will as long as she continues on this path. Can you define a cougar-gone overboard the way you did on the news? My sister is 42 trying to be 20, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing to be seen with her. I loved the classy makeover you did for the cougar on the show.

Thank you,
Concerned Sis

Dear Sis,

I had lots of phone calls, e-mails and Facebook comments after that show. For future reference, that episode aired on FOX 10 on July 28 and is archived on the Web site at myfoxphoenix.com.

Cougar-Gone-Bad Checklist

• Overdone breasts

• Overly injected lips

• Bad hair extensions

• So much Botox that all facial expression is gone

• Miniskirts (Never after the age of 35)

• Pamela Anderson hair

• Clothes that are too tight or too young

• Dating men that are closer to the age of their children

It is my personal belief that a woman any age and any size can look and feel beautiful with the right help. Real beauty comes from within and radiates outward. If your sister wants happiness in a relationship, she needs to change the bait that she is currently using. A beautiful, confident, sexy woman will always fare better in love than an older woman trying too hard to look too young. My advice is to quit living in the past and make the most of what you have! Have her contact me. Keep me posted and tell her to check out the video.

Lea