Relationships & Dating June-July 2007

By Lea Friese-Haben

Dear Fabulous Singles: This issue’s column addresses the taboo subject of dating a friend’s ex. This is not a good thing—no excuses—and the repercussions aren’t fun, either. Read on.

Dear Coach Lea,

I am in a quandary. My best friend Susan broke up with her boyfriend three months ago. I ran into him last week while clubbing with another friend. He is gorgeous and a lot of fun. He asked me out, and I really want to go. I am afraid to tell Susan, as she was really devastated when he broke up with her. He said that the breakup was mutual and that there was no need to feel bad. I really want to go out with him. What should I do?

Dear Friend,

Put yourself in Susan’s shoes. This will probably end the friendship if you decide to pursue this relationship. How would you feel if Susan dated the ex who just broke your heart? Relationships come and go, but a good friendship isn’t worth giving up just because of a few raging hormones. Take her to lunch, and give him the boot.

Dear Lea,

I have been divorced for about six months. I have been dating my ex-wife’s best friend for two months now, and feel like I should tell my ex. Tammy is freaking out and begging me not to say anything to my ex. She is afraid that it will jeopardize her friendship. (I think it will end their friendship—I basically left my wife to pursue the relationship with Tammy as she told me she could never date a married man). I am caught in the middle and am sick of the guilt.

Dear Guilty,

How did you think it would turn out? It’s a little late to feel guilty now. You have taken two relationships away from your ex. That is not fair. These kinds of relationships never workout, and karma will undoubtedly come back to bite you hard. Couldn’t you have found someone to date who didn’t have a connection to your wife? Come clean and end the relationship now before it escalates.

Dear Coach Lea,

My best friend and I have been together since we were 9, and we are now both 27. Her ex broke up with her last year on New Year’s Eve. He and I work at the same company and he has expressed an interest in me. He is very sexy and a lot of time has gone by. (They only dated for two years—it’s not like they were married). I told one of our friends and she was absolutely horrified, and said that if I pursued the relationship, she could not talk to me anymore. She said that the rest of our gang would shun me as well. What should I do.? I really like this guy. I know my girlfriend hasn’t gotten over him yet, but how long should I wait to date him? I am anxious to see him in the open and have our friends accept it.

Dear Anxious,

This relationship is a first-class trip to nowhere. Would you want to be with a guy who would dump a person on New Year’s Eve? That is kind of heartless. You have been friends with this woman for eighteen years. What kind of friend are you? If you should try to pursue this, you will lose her forever, as well as all the friends whom you currently share with her. There isn’t going to be a woman in your circle who will ever trust you around her significant other after the disrespect and treatment you have shown your friend of eighteen years. Keep your friend and dump the dude. Men are like buses—there is always another one coming.

Dear Fabulous Daters,

A friend is someone who accepts us for who we are and is always there for us, come rain or shine. Take stock in the current friends that you have, and extend the kindness and courtesy that they show you. A true friend is a priceless gift.