Ask the Dating Coach

By Lea Friese-Haben

Can You Fix What’s Broken?

Dear Lea,

I feel incredibly trapped in my marriage and desperately want out. My wife and I have been married sixteen years and have three kids (although it feels like I have four). She is a stay-at-home mom and has no interest in helping out around here. She has no concept of money or the economy and spends faster than I can bring it home. She takes no pride in our home nor does she have any financial responsibility. We have not been intimate in over a year and a half. She screams at me and blames me for her unhappiness and can be very volatile at times. I am grateful that we aren’t having sex, as I am no longer attracted to her. I am in my mid 40s, though, and feel as if I am missing out on life. I truly believe that I am past the point of counseling. I want to be with someone who looks to me for more than a paycheck. I am afraid of the financial fallout of a divorce. What can I do?

Dear Trapped,

I am sorry to say that your story is not unique and you have some hard choices ahead of you. First and foremost, let me say that you are not responsible for her happiness. I see a number of issues in your marriage that you will not be able to resolve alone. Your wife needs to find a life of her own. She takes out her frustration on you, and you have allowed her to. You have a few choices here: You can take the bull by the horns and lay out your expectations for her—or you can divorce her. You have many issues here: infidelity, financial irresponsibility, and a temper to boot. Although I only see one side here, I would suggest that you take a long look at your relationship and see if it is salvageable—if not, then move on. As far as your children go—if you should divorce, stay active with and accessible to them. You aren’t doing your children any favors by staying in this type of relationship. It sets them up for relationship failure later on. It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one. You have two choices—in or out. Please keep me posted.

Spin Him ’Round and Point to the Exit

Dear Coach Lea,

I have made a mess of my life. I am in love with two men. One is my ex-husband and the other is my current fiancé. I really thought I was over my ex until he moved back into town and said that he made a mistake and wants me back. I am unable to come to a decision and feel it is unfair to continue seeing both men. What should I do? I am so conflicted.

Dear Conflicted…

I would set emotions aside and look at this situation logically. You have already been married to your ex. It is highly likely that those issues you had before will probably resurface. Your e-mail was short and vague, but based on the info you gave me, I would think long and hard before buying the same real estate twice. Choose the man who will be committed to you and your future children.

Remove the Suction Cups

Dear Coach Lea,

I am 32 years old and never seem to make any of my relationships work. I just broke up with my third long-term boyfriend of four years and I have nothing to show for it. I desperately want to get married, and yet I keep ending up in the same old long-term dead-end relationships. I don’t get it. I am attractive, self-sufficient, and incredibly kind to the men in my life, and yet they all treat me well for a while and then things start to go south. Please help me. It sickens me that I am heading down this road yet again. It seems the men that I break up with always seem to end up married to the girl that they date after me.

Dear Desperate,

You show all the signs of a desperate, needy, clingy woman—that’s why your relationships all end up the same way. Your biological clock is deafening and will turn off any man. Men want to be in relationships where they feel loved, respected, and admired for who they are and not because they can fill the slot you have open. Too many women pin all their hopes and dreams on a man and marriage.