Ask the Dating Coach

By Lea Friese-Haben

Dear NV readers—I’ve received an unbelievable quantity of mail in reaction to Tiger Woods’s indiscretions. The following are two such letters.

Noticing Links

Dear Lea,

I am really upset about the whole Tiger Woods story. I too have had a philandering husband. [Woods’s] wife, Elin, is beautiful and a great mother who has shied away from the press—choosing to make a somewhat normal life for her family. They are still pretty much newlyweds—I don’t get it…My husband and I were only married a year when I found out about the first of his thirteen affairs. I guess I thought Tiger was different. My son has looked up to him as a role model. If Elin Woods can’t keep her husband faithful, how can the rest of us ever hope to have a faithful, loving relationship?

Unlucky in Love

Dear Unlucky,

You are not alone. Many people were upset with the news of Tiger’s affair. (That is the problem with putting people on pedestals—the fall is far). I would like to point out, however, that it is a private matter, and unfortunately, because of Tiger’s celebrity status, there are probably some inaccuracies. I had to reread your letter—I am shocked that you stayed married to a man who has had thirteen affairs, if indeed you did. I don’t really have enough information to go on regarding your situation, so my response will be somewhat generalized. There seem to be a few common trends when it comes to infidelity. Some men do have sex addictions, but I have found that most married men are not looking for a one-night stand—they are looking for a lost connection. It is rare for this to happen in the short span of a year (it’s generally five to seven), but my male clients have revealed to me over and over again that they feel neglected and saddened by their wives’ loss of interest in them. The majority of the men I have consulted feel that their wives are preoccupied with the house and the kids and that they have become an afterthought. Once the relationship becomes a roommate situation, it becomes more difficult to resolve. I also hear that men are bored with the same dull routine. They like their wives to change things up—sexy lingerie once in a while, for instance. (A sexy text or a seductive voicemail can do a lot to keep the home fires burning hot). One of the most important things to remember is that men need to feel appreciated and wanted. (As human beings, we all want to feel special to someone. Men do feel deeply—they just communicate it differently). Although infidelity is not at all justified, most of the time it comes as a result of both parties and not just the one who had the affair.

Lea

Hold That Tiger, Buddy!

Dear Lea,

I read your columns and find your advice pretty much dead on most of the time. I am writing to you about the Tiger Woods story. I am about Tiger’s age and have been married about five years and am considering having an affair. My wife is completely preoccupied with our 3-year-old. She wears T-shirts and boxers to bed and has lost all interest in me sexually. I consider myself lucky if we have sex once a month. I am attractive and work out and keep myself in shape—women in my office find me attractive, and a couple have asked me out. I love my wife, but I can’t stand the fact that she is letting herself and our relationship go. She got me into reading your columns, so I am hoping you choose to print my letter. I just feel so rejected by her.

P.S. I am an avid golfer. I have hidden my golf clubs after the violence Tiger experienced. LOL.

Avid Golfer

Dear Avid Golfer,

I am glad that you decided to write about rather than act on your current options. I don’t know whether you have talked to your wife about your concerns, but you should if you haven’t. I have had a small child a home and know that sometimes it’s tough to feel sexy when you are dealing with dirty diapers and sleep deprivation. It is really important during these times, however, to stay connected and communicate. You may want to take a few things upon yourself, such as buying her some pretty clothes as well as lingerie and treat her to a day at the spa. Let her know how beautiful she is and that you want to make her feel special. A lot of overwhelmed moms are tired and feel less than sexy. If you help her in subtle ways to feel good about herself, you will reap the benefits. I really think you will see big dividends with just a just a few small gestures. (Ever notice how we are drawn to people who make us feel good about ourselves?) Make her feel special and important and communicate with her—then you won’t have to hide the golf clubs. Keep me posted!

Lea

Final Thought

Staying connected is vital and is the responsibility of both parties. It really does take two to make a relationship work, to ensure that the “worse” portion of “for better or for worse” is but a fleeting moment in time. One party should not be expected to shoulder all the responsibility.